Modern Mommy:

Breaking Radio Silence

As all 7 of my loyal readers know, I have long been laboring to produce the definitive work on the subject of defining self (that self being mine) in a seemingly selfless role such as motherhood.  If I have already lost you please hit yourself in the shin with a sippy cup and focus.  Except there are the profound life events that so frequently interrupt such noble pursuits like catching up on all the TV shows I have DVR'd.  Then there is the chocolate covered cookies Modern Toddler mistook for crayons in her ongoing efforts to enhance the wall decor.  Also I have some new sandals and tickets to see The Police in concert next month. 

I have many delightful insights to impart, much soul searching has been done and I am surprisingly eager to share my findings.  Shirley, you all must have sensed by now how deeply shy and sincere I am.   It is in this spirit I set forth to dispel all previous naive and immature notions of Modern Motherhood, as told on this very blog.  I am visibly older, infinitely wiser and if it were even possible, I have found tons of new humility.   Modern Mommy has undergone a bit of a soul cleansing, but like with color safe bleach so all of my quirks and defects are still intact - yet gloriously shinny.  As my sinuses welcome in this season of renewal, I too embark on a new metaphorical journey fraught with danger but buoyed up by courage and resolve.

Unplugged.  Unmedicated.  Unmarried. 

Here's A Few Minutes You Will Never Get Back

Ok... alright already.  Time to shake it off and get back to living my life.  So lets get a few items of modern mommy business out of the way first.  Clearly there have been big changes afoot for a while now.  So let's get to the good stuff.  The split, which we may now casually feel free to refer, is mutual and fairly civil.  You never really know what is going between married people and we hid things well.  If you are wondering what kind of people divorce with children so young, or who let's go of a marriage so easily then take a deep breath, and stop reading this blog post long enough to email, txt or carrier pigeon a note to your better half.  There is always a point where someone starts to let go.  Be careful with your marriage.  Ours ended because we learned that we were no longer right together.  Cannot say for sure if anything could have changed that.

Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler were, are and always be priority #1 and we seem to stay on track when we keep this in mind.  Next we have some new titles to announce.  Modern X-Hubby sounds a bit much, and as we learned in our court mandated co-parenting class, referring to my first husband as the "X" is not appropriate for the kids.  So the artist formally know as my spouse will now be called such things as "the girl's daddy"... as in "the girls are with their dad tonight" or "my girls are with their daddy this weekend"  It's all a bummer really, but getting the lingo down is essential to divorce success.  It is all about the illusion of self control.  Who can be more calm, mature and act as if the situation, while disturbing, is just a fact of life that anyone could handle with little or no personal impact.  In other words, denial.  Big, fake and never ending denial.  My current theory is that if I behave as if this is just a starter marriage that ran it's course, then I will be that normal and well adjusted divorced person who is ready to get on with life.  I will let you know how that works for me.  Let's just say that it is failing in a rather spectacular way so far and I am up for suggestions.  People, divorce is craptastic.  And if you do not bring your A game, you will be laughed off the playground.

This brings us to the next modern divorce cliche.  Yours, Mine or Ours?  This involves marital and non-marital property.  The CDs I owned before we met, the DVDs we bought together, the picture frames, the silverwear, gifts to you from me... half of this and half of that.  Basically you can take whatever you want except your pride, dignity or self respect.  Make sure you leave half the memories, all of the plans you made together and at least two thirds of all the trust you built.  Pack the rest carefully.  It is all fragile.

It's Divorce. Not Cancer.

What I want to know is where are all these successful, well adjusted and normal divorced people?  There are supposed to be like 50% of you happily married couples who are quietly but surely slugging it out behind your lawyer's closed doors.  Would somebody mind spotting me the divorce play-book, I cannot seem to find mine.

Caution: Real Life Ahead

I am still here.  I still read blogs, write for blogs and in general still believe I truly love blogs.  I just cannot find the silly, sarcastic and cynical author of Modern Mommy who is hiding amongst the clutter of real life after a Modern Family crisis.  Here's to hoping you are all still around when I come up for air. 

It Happens

Do you ever start thinking about breathing and then your nose gets stuffy?  Lying there in bed trying to fall asleep and all you can think about breathing in and out?  I start to feel like I cannot get enough air so I have to take a deep breath through my mouth and start over.  I swear my mind actually makes my nose stuffy just to tick me off.  It is like some sort of game and all I have to do is think about something else, really consentrate, and forget about breathing... then my sinuses clear up and i can breathe again.  But now I am not tired cause I was busy thinking so much.

Off The Air

Modern Family experiencing a bit of an identity crisis.  We will be back on the air waves as soon as possible.  Thanks for all the emails and concern.  I am still reading all my favorite blogs, just taking a break from writing.

Kid Friendly Travel

Planning our own Family vacation was not as easy as planning for the honeymooners and their UK adventure, but now that we have one trip under our belts, we are on to the next.  A few months back we all took a trip to California.  That is one Modern Mommy, one Modern Pre-schooler (in her own airplane seat) one Modern Toddler on our laps and Modern Daddy.  Between airports, rental cars and curvy California coastal roads the only thing I was really happy about at the time was that we had not made the mistake of leaving the vacation plans up to chance.  Cause too much is unpredictable with little ones anyway.  Here is what I learned.  Rent the car with car seats.  Too much drama to travel with and install your own car seats.  PS when you let your toddlers eat right before driving on the worlds most car sick inducing roads, it is a relief when they get sick on rented seats and not ones you have to transport back across two time zones.  Family vacations or just family travel of any kind is about as much work as the average PHD disertation.  I kind of wish we had done a few things differently.  My mommy blogger friends know that making better decisions about "kid friendly travel" is totally the key to a good trip.  That and batteries in the camera.  Big mistake.

When we took our infamous trip we did not stay in a toddler minded hotel.  We could not help this because the trip was for a family wedding and we stayed where the rest of the wedding party was staying.  I loved our beautiful room looking out on the ocean.  Loved the food, the beaches and the lighthouses.  The things I would tell any family about to travel with kids the same ages as Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler is plan, plan, plan. 

Now we are working on our next trip, to the east coast, and in my searches I found another undiscovered and awesome little site called Kango.com.  We are using this sweet new site to arrange for a hotel that is all about family.  A hotel where the employees do not give you dirty looks when you ask about a kids menu or activities for the toddlers.  This site has some good ideas about attractions, hotels and all the other stuff you question when you leave home with little ones.

I am kind of hoping all you mommy bloggers can give us some ideas and opinions about what you think would help parents make the right choices when traveling with kids.  What did you do that worked?  How did you plan and what did not work out?  We are really hoping we can get some advice before we go.  Happy travels all!

Temporary Interuption Of Service

What a week.  Longest I have been off the air yet.  Busy long holiday weekend, Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler both miserably sick with coughs, runny noses and ear infections.  On an up note Modern Family planning a little kid friendly vacation and found a perfectly little website for family vacation planning.  Hey it is not exactly London, but it sounds good to me.  More on that tomorrow.

It May Be Boring, But It's Mine

fold-out couch for children
modern toddler beds
toddler glass slipper
toddler and couch and fold
modern fold out couch
trapped diaper baby body
what is the balmex shelf life

Those are the top search strains for the last few weeks.  I have written about breast feeding, fish, diapers, toddlers, toilet paper, spinach and one simple reference to a fold out couch.  I am boring, and now people know.  They went looking for fold out couches and got breast feeding fish.  Talk about let down.  LOL. Just a little breast feeding joke... nursing moms let me hear you say amen!  Sorry to disappoint the couch readers, but thanks to my loyal friends and surfers who come back again and again.  Happy Wednesday all.

If You Give a Mouse A Glass Of Milk Part Two

So the wedding chronicles march on...  As most of their budget was spent on the guest bathroom cabinets, which I hope to snoop through someday, we are sort of working under constraints here so the game is afoot.  Did I mention that it is more than likely that I will not even be attending said nuptials?  Long story.

Dr. appt today.  Kept us waiting an hour this time.  Entertaining two kids under four in a completely not childproofed office.  Weird desk with pointy corners, nearly life size statue of a giraffe, bizarre plastic plants and confusing model of fish trapped in glass paper weight thingy which totally amazed and freaked out Modern Pre-schooler.  About thirty minutes into this Dr watch the chicken nugget chant begins. 

"Can we get get chicken nuggets and fries?  Can we get chicken nuggets and fries? Chi fi? Chi fi?"

Modern Toddler is getting good and imitating her sister and I know she knows exactly what she is asking for cause she gets that little grin when we pull into the drive through. 

We did have nuggets, we did finally see the doctor, we did take naps.  More tomorrow.

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie Part One

He's going to want some more wedding invitations to go with his milk.  I have a reputation.  This may come as no shock that I am infamous in my own family.  I am sure you remember my adventures with the Nascar wedding I was charged with planning.  As it turns out I backed out of most of the planning but did agree to the wedding invitations, bridal shower invites thank you notes, etc.  Again I am contributing to the wedding of a little known cousin who is said to have requested that her invites be classy enough to be framed and hung in the guest bathroom in which her finance just hung beautiful new cabinets.  I cannot say I have ever matched wedding invites to bathroom cabinetry, but I have never been known to shrink from such a challenge.  If you have not had the pleasure, here is a link to "the one where I humiliate my family and provide useful information for the masses".

So back to the latest cousin and her cabinets.  This time I am gonna really check out the competition.  Last time I did little or no research and was lucky enough to make the bride deliriously happy.  However I have been turned on to a site that my sister in law used and I am thinking this is the place for cabinet matching invites.  I think you will find that some of the people in your family are more normal than mine.  Which is not to say that I know what normal is per say.  I just know they are nothing like me and I am not adopted.  Explanation?  The best parents on the planet.  Maybe we should be looking at their invitations?

The beginning is of course the Save the Date Cards.  Lots of choices and since only the official invite has to be suited for bathroom framing, let's assume i have more license with the save the date cards.  I am completely lost at how many choices there really are, and naturally a little jealous that save the date cards were not yet all the rage when I was married.   If you are curious, start at the beginning of my search with me, at this homepage and follow the links like i did.  I am becoming the regular go to gal for all things wedding invites.  Maybe I have a higher calling here.  Although I spilled pasta sauce on the save the date card I picked out for the first wedding, not sure what that means.

I was impressed to learn that an actual engraved invitation was not just a smart remark.  If i had the cash, I would so drop it for these babies.  But what I settled for are these little wedding Mc'invites.  The bride loves purple and there were the best choice out of the worst invitations on the face of the earth.  How is that for a ringing endorsement?  Actually I found many I liked from the original site, but as usual my bug zapping family members would not even recognize class unless it came in matching glasses from the A and P.  Stay tuned as I continue with the wedding chronicles tomorrow...

Ordinary. Lots and Lots of Ordinary and A Whole Lotta Nuthin'

MM: So are they set to ring?
MH: What do you mean, they are phones.
MM: I am asking if sound will come directly from the phones when a call comes in?
MH: What else would you like them to do when this aledged call comes?
MM: Nothing I guess, light up maybe.
MH They do light up.
MM: And ring?
MH: Both.  They do both.
MM: Both phones ring or the phones light up and ring?
MH: Yes.
MM: What's this button do?
MH: It stops the ringing.
MM: Permantly?
MH: Depends on how long you talk.
MM: I talk a lot.
MH: I know.
MM: So the button answers the call?
MH: No, you have to answer the call, the button helps though.
MM: How come there are two of them?
MH: Phones?
MM: No buttons.
MH: They do different things.
MM: Oh.
MM: What color are they when they light up?
MH: Blue.
MM: I like blue.
MH: I know.

Guess It Depends On What You Say

So I am a mommy.  Thus the title.  Naturally, I am known to change a diaper or two.  Pampers, Huggies, Balmex, Desitin, wipes, bottles, binkies.  I wash onesies, I pick up lego's, and on a fairly regular basis I drive my mini-van here, there and everywhere.  In Google's all knowing wisdom, it would appear, that someone somewhere missed a meeting.  Modern Mommy, not modern Modern Grandmommy.  That would be my mom, and she is years from needing what my blog is obviously selling.  Can we just get to the ever living point here?  No one in the modern family needs any kind of diapers that do not have pooh bear, tigger or piglet on them.  This seems to escape my Google Sponsored Links.  Are you all seeing this?  Seriously.

I think it is time for some good old fashioned key words to clear things up a bit.  Let's do a quick intro.  I, of course, am Modern Mommy.  My sweet husband is Modern Daddy or Modern Hubby and we have two beautiful girls, Modern Toddler (15 mos) and Modern Pre-Schooler (3 1/2).   We are the suburban family at it's stereotyped best.  Playdates, scrapbooking, mini-vans and sippy cups.  Motherhood is hard people.  Doesn't matter if you stay home or work, the pull back and forth is the same.  Sacraficing sleep, time and sometimes even losing track of who you are along the way.  I started this blog because I wanted to write.  About all things mommy, about the funny things of my everyday life, about my family, my life and defining myself in this selfless role.  I play with words, thoughts and ideas.  I invite you all to come along for the ride. 

What I know is that family matters most, laughing every day is a sure way to keep your loved ones close and  the other thing I know for sure is that most days I have no idea what I am doing!  I make a ton of mistakes, I still act in selfish ways, I don't fold laundry and I eat way too many carbs.  I want my girls to grow up strong and independent.  The whole world could be open to them and usually that scares me more than it inspires me.  But at the end of the day, I do know who I am.  I am mommy and wife sure.  But I am also just this person trying to figure things out the hard way, like we all do.

No matter what your reasons for blogging, scrapbooking or whatever way you put yourself out there in the world, that makes you brave.  That makes you strong.  That's where you find your peace of mind.  Do you remember this line from the Velvetine Rabbit?  "Real isn't how you're made, it's the thing that happens to you."  Real happens my friends, and I am not much for the "suck the marrow out of life, cherish every moment, live life to the fullest" stuff.  I am a bit more cynical than all that, a little darker.  But, believe me when I say that whatever your "real" is... I suggest you get on it, cause time is wasting! 

What do you think?  Tell me.

How Did I End Up Here?

It feels good to be back on the air!  Half of the Modern Family is still sick, Modern Pre-Schooler and myself.  Miserable sinus, sore throat kind of evil little bug that crawled into our lives last week and it is starting to look like we should come to some agreement on rent, a fare share of the bills and the sleeping arrangements cause this thing will not leave.  I was sifting through site meter tonight and I started thinking about all the ways you good folks "search" into Modern Mommy so I did a little cut and paste and have brought along some little nuggets to share with you.  If you are reading this because you found me by accident and are wondering how you ended up here, thanks for sticking around!  You might all get a kick out of the randomness that sometimes brings us together in the blogsphere. 

1). minivan mommies (This one is pretty obvious, and quite frankly the best alternate description of the whole idea of this blog)
2). scrap book modern cooking (Ok, I do scrapbook quite a bit, Modern is right! And there is a fair amount of cooking going on around here, this one sounds alright too)
3). kids buy a new mommy from the 90's movie (Seriously? Should I know this movie?  I think this search landed our unprepared reader here because I wrote about our totally sweet home office that is straight out of the 90's, old computer and all.  And now I have just given some other bewildered soul the search criteria for another Google Cul De Sac)
4). how much candy 3 yr old (I like this one, after all Modern Pre-Schooler is 3 and a half, and eats way too much candy, you have come to the right place!)
5). burp cloths mm's (I can only assume this might be about a burp cloth or cloth diaper with MM candies printed?  Let's hope)
6). stampin up soccer idea (Another stellar example of ending up in exactly the right place.  I love stampin' up, I will probably be a soccer mom when the girls are older and I will eventually scrapbook about it.  That may be the long way to get what you are looking for... but not completely off)
7). rehearsal dinner wedding invite rhyming lingo  (There is no doubt this person knows exactly what they are looking for and my page is not where to get it.  I wrote a funny little post about an upcoming wedding in the family, I am sure that what brought this reader and I together)
8). sneeze for me (creepy, and so was my one and only post about creepy sneezing.  Have a read and let me know what you think)
9). hamster erratic behavior (This one goes out to my friend in Iowa.  This is the beginning of the end right?)
10). is ali edwards mormon (I have wondered this too.  Check out her blog link in my better bloggers roll)
11). bff tara whitney (IDK my BFF Tara?)
12). there are no shortcuts in life, or in love. pain must be felt, the alternative is far much worse, it's what makes us special, beautiful, worthy, it's what makes us human (This one makes me truly curious because it is one of my favorite "quotes" But I found it in a TV show, does this reader know something I do not?  Or did we both love the line so much we went looking for it?)
13). midwest cliches (moving right along now)
14). modern motivational phrases (This has me written all over it)
15). you've got a freak flag, you just don't let it fly (Again a line from a fav movie of mine)
16). parental advisory explicit content (This comes to us compliments of the infamous LA Daddy, who did an outstanding installment of Tune in Tuesdays for Modern Mommy)
17). sinus infection funny smell (this one is really gross and bizarrely timed because I happen to have sinus issues at present.  The funny smell explanation is none other than The Washing Machine Chronicles.  Also largely coincidental seeing how this topic just had a revival of sorts.

All in all, a nice little sampling, wouldn't you think?  Hope this was not too "phoning it in" for you guys, this virus is kind of kicking my butt and the originality is running thin tonight.  The again you might think this is hilarious, in this more likely case, you are once again and always in the right place.

Depression Hurts Me Too, And Some Tom Cruise Movies Sting A Bit As Well.

Why is Tom Cruise always running away from things in his movies? I mean actually running. Tonight as I literally mark the passing of another year in my life (29 again! It just keeps coming up 29) I am reading my good friend LA Daddy's post about depression and sort of half watching TV. It's Cocktail Wars, or Mission Maguire, maybe Top Thunder or Risky Samurai... I dunno. But he's running from something, or towards something, whatever. But I thought about how Tom doesn't believe I have depression. Or any other mental disorder for that matter. After much pharmaceutical (Sorry LA Daddy) intervention, I feel rather good. I am sad (ha ha unintentional pun, loss of 15 yards) to report that all of the magic pills cannot affect even the smallest change upon the following: Boredom, Modern Hubby, Modern Toddler, Modern Pre-schooler, our mortgage interest rate, the 15 degree temperature differential between the up and down stairs of our home, my current obsession with roasted chicken, my pants size due to aforementioned chicken, the availability of all Van Morrison albums on iTunes and many other plagues visited upon my family's good name.

Here is my long winded point, (you knew there was one in there somewhere) my problems, or most of them are rooted in one fairly simple truth: defining self by external influences, rather than creating self image and worth within. Who doesn't see themselves through the eyes of a sweet admirer, or a critical parent? Who can live quite happily without praise, encouragement and support? Ok so mostly we are talking about me, but I think the idea has merit. What does it take to truly be self sustaining? I would say that we are not built exactly that way, but a healthy dose of independence is what I seem to be in need of these days. Maybe I just need to watch less TV, who knows.

Thanks to LA Daddy for such an amusing and thought provoking post yesterday, as usual. Thanks again to Sonia for killing so many pets and having the personal courage to write about it on my blog. Thanks to Hollywood and Hallmark for creating such craptacular ideas of love, life and self image. Thanks to my family and the rest of you who remind me what matters and help me keep it real.

Just Phoning It In: Modern Technology & The Written Word

dear internet,

taking the night off.

back soon.

Modern Mommy

PS looking for something real to read? have a glance at my greatest hits.

Normal

I had big plans for this post.  In fact I thumbed a few ideas into my palm last night before drifting off (tossing and turning until 2am) to a pretty decent night's sleep.  I had been thinking about Normal, what it means and why I am rarely mentioned in the same breath with normal.  It was humorous of course, it pleases me to no end to laugh at myself.  I thought about finally wearing normal bras after 2 pregnancies and 24 total months of breastfeeding.  I imagined our little modern family as a sixth grade science project where the 4 of us are flying in orbit around a Bipolar planet.  Looks a lot like "normal" Earth from up here, but life is very different on the ground.  I wondered if I read a book containing ideas for an "normal" interesting, humorous blog and then used said ideas, would they be recognized?  If the ideas are good, (I can only assume they are because the author has a pretty nice blog) the book sells.  So what happens if we all use the book?  I am so confused.  I was doing some tricky maneuvers with borderline plagiarism in Jr. high.  I do not think I could pull this off in the real world. 

Like I said, normal is a big word for me.  Only silly people think so much about normalcy.  The normal people do not wonder if they are or are not.  They just are.  Today I caught a glimpse of normal through the eyes of devastated families, innocent little children and I cannot force these words and images out of my mind. 

Last month was Autism Awareness Month.  If you do not know much about Autism, I encourage you to read up and get involved.  Autism Speaks is the leading organization in the fight for a cure.  Autism now affects roughly 1 in 150 children.  That is a lot, and so little is known about cause and cure.  I got myself involved, made donations, posted links on my blog and added Autism Speaks to my Charity Badge.  Today I met a beautiful, smart little boy who just been diagnosed with Autism.  In all my efforts, I had never been face to face with an autistic child.  Never heard a mother speak about doing everything right, but life still happens. 

Earlier this evening I visited the Gallacher Family Benefit blog site.  I have been familiar with this site and this family's tragic experience watching their 9 year old son fight terminal cancer.  As with my interest in Autism this family was called to my attention by bloggers in the scrapbooking community.  With Ali Edwards in the lead, scrapbookers and their families and friends raised over $58, 000 for Autism Speaks, with a matching donation of $10,000 from founder of Six Degrees dot Org,  Kevin Bacon.  As of this week over $11,000 has been raised for the Gallacher Family.  Jen Gallacher is a contributing artist at TwoPeasInABucket, another amazing scrapbooking site.  Today I learned that Joey Gallacher passed away peacefully and quietly last Saturday evening.

I cannot wrap my mind around any of this.  And none of it feels normal or just.  I can only be calm, and still.  To feel sadness and grief.  To feel gratitude for what I know and what I have.  Embrace my beautiful, healthy daughters a little tighter, a little longer and a little more often.