Modern Mommy:

My Cliche Or Yours?

I used to rely heavily on rationalizations. That and the gloriously self induced state of denial.  I think any good mom flirts with these on occasion as she sorts through the chaos, noise and happiness that make up the first few hours of the day.  I also have done my share (and maybe some of yours) when it comes to trafficking in cliches. 

I have all my priorities in order.  I like this one.  Does this one even mean anything if you cannot find moral center with a flashlight and a map?  Maybe I should backtrack a bit.  I have this crazy idea that there are absolutes in this life.  Truth, morality, ethics etc.  Certainly we all must believe in some variation of this concept as we go about our lives each day generally refraining from hitting people with our cars or defrauding large numbers of stock holders.  I must sadly confess that I have wasted a great part of my life sitting in judgment of others.  Assigning levels of acceptable coolness and waiting patiently for the world around me to conform.  As I trust you must have seen coming long before I did, I encountered two serious problems as a result of this flawed practice.  First, and most obvious, I always found a reason to be disappointed.  Makes for lousy contributions to your average relationship. Second and admittedly the worst of the two, is that I have missed so many opportunities to become a person I might like to be.  One might even go so far as to say that I might have attracted similarly "together" people thus bringing us full circle with that whole coolness pursuit.  I am making myself dizzy. 

I think there are a lot of things I have learned in the recent months.  Letting go of some of the denial, a few of the impossible expectations and living life with one or two less daily rationalizations has quite literally transformed my brain.  I am still unable to communicate with out sarcasm.  Currently there is a lot of clean, unfolded laundry on my bed - however this now only affects me and I plan to leave it there as long as I like.  I have made regret and remorse more a teacher and much less the marital equivalent of being tied to a slab of concrete and pushed overboard.

Maybe what I am most proud of now is the impressive reduction in my own personal learning curve.  Sometimes a person can get so busy that they forget to learn.  Thinking maybe we know it all. Before we have even had time to learn something new, we have gone and made the same mistake again.  Oops.

You all figured this out right?  I am always the last to know.

Ok So Maybe I am Not Exactly Posting Everyday

Life since I last posted...

Strep throat. Croup. Some nasty viral thing that happens when strep and croup mingle in a petri dish for a week or so... many bottles of motrin, sleepless nights spent with a soundtrack of congested, fever ridden toddlers complimented by a smooth jazz element as the humidifier hums.

Another round of portraits (will publish results soon) We enjoyed a facial injury free week leading up to picture day. Impressive.

County accessors office, car inspection, being the very last person to make it in the door at the license bureau  at 4:55pm before they locked the doors.  Whew.

Three things I learned while waiting for car inspection:  Heath Ledger's passing... where have I been?  The Williams-Paisley's have a son.  I really missed the boat on that one.  Drew Barrymore's boyfriend is Justin Long?  Guess that one is not exactly earth shattering.  Thank you People Magazine.

Do you steal magazines from repair shops, Dr offices etc?  Just wondering on your thoughts on this highly unethical and juvenile practice.

Latest divorce triumph: Had pizza rolls and juice for dinner and did not have to explain this to anyone or bear the burden of it's health consequences upon anyone but myself.

Most recent joy of home ownership:  Kitchen sink spontaneously shooting and  leaking water onto the floor...

The good news:  I do have some recruits in line for Tune In Tuesdays.  I am still holding on to the post "What Makes My Eyes Bleed" and have even added a few to the growing list.  Also, as a side note and/or juicy rationalization: Some of my fav bloggers did not post much this month either.  Yes... validation.

What's In Your Wallet

On the nightstand these days...
Music: Miles Davis and Van Morrison and the newest iPod download: First Cut is The Deepest - Sheryl Crow
Books: A Walk on the Beach, Perfect Madness, Goodnight Moon and Are You My Mother?

What's...
In The Fridge: Chicken (always), blackberry yogurt, bagels, smoked ham.
In The Garage: Honda Civic Hybrid. I am so green - you know I am.
In The DVD Player: Latest Barbie movie Modern Pre-schooler CANNOT live without.
Blogs Read Today: the Pursuit, Dooce, LADaddy, Corky

Coming Tomorrow: Modern Mommy-ology a little idea from my BFF Sonia over at ...and the pursuit of happiness.  Check 'er out.  She earned two hits of link love today.

Everybody Looks

Did I ever tell you about the time I went undercover to expose the apaulling lack of customer service in my Target Superstore?  In my red shirt and khakis armed with only a camera phone, I went in search of blog material. Nothing.  I mean a few people asked me where they could find the toilet paper and the hard liquor, but the whole thing was kind of a big flop.  No one even noticed I was wearing my house slippers.  It bought me a paragraph. 

But here is a true story... Despite the lack of proper training and notoriously filthy floors, I took Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler back to Target today. Where else can you buy a barbie movie, some tights, boneless skinless chicken and one gallon of whole milk in the same place?  Well there may be one other place, but we do not speak of that.  After a lengthy spell in the toy section, we headed over to the grocery side.  I immediately spot cute Target shopper guy.  I can spot them much quicker now that I am no longer bound by an agreement to love, honor and trust someone else.  Cute Target shopper guy is clearly also cute dad type with two cute young boys in tow.  He is rugged, needs a shave - but in a great gap commercial kind of way.  We keep almost literally running into each other.  I go up one aisle, he swaggers up in my direction.  Our kids and carts nearly collide as we pretend not to notice that we continue to take the same exact path through the store. 

Ok so I looked.  It is kind of a hobby of mine. Looking for wedding rings.  I am very equal opportunity about the whole thing.  I look for the ring on both women and men.  Trying to imagine their spouse. Wondering if they are happy. miserable or somewhere in between.  Cute Target Gap commercial guy is not wearing a ring.  Sadly this means nothing these days. Former Modern Husband did not wear his much in our last year or two together.  Guess I missed that sign.  Anyway, we headed off to the check out and I did not give him another thought. Until...  I am driving down my street and there he is!  Unpacking his car.  I stare to be sure it is him.  He spots me staring and does a quick double take.  Cute Target Gap commercial guy lives on my street. Weird.  I have yet to think up any other reason to stroll down the street.  We do not have a dog and his house is not exactly on the way to the park.  Oh well.

You Might As Well Quit Reading Now

Seriously.  You must be wondering where I find all these people in need of some sort of wedding of vacation planning.  This is my curse in this life.  I do not make any money doing this despite all the desperate pleas from my friends, family and readers to start some home business and quit boring them with my tales.

But here we are again.

This time it is a bridal shower I am planning AND hosting in my home.  The invites, the food, the awful party games.  This is a classy event, far from a drunken bunch of barely dressed women hanging out the window of a huge stretch limo. 

Enter the good old internet and my handy list of wedding related web sites.  I know, I know.  But what would I use for these entertaining and educational blog posts?  So today's spotlight is on weddingneeds dot cceasy dot com.  Another in the list of little treasures I have cataloged for just such an occasion.  No pun intended.

My current theory is that bridal shower invites do not have to be completely boring.  I admit the Nascar wedding in all it's glory was not my idea of fun or modern where the invites were concerned, then again they match the guest bathroom beautifully.  This is probably just another bridal shower, and I certainly cannot promise high society and charm... but ladies I can throw a party.  The latest in my sites to check out when you have some chocolate and time to kill is this one.  And here is the invites I have decided on.  We kind of have a whole purse theme going including the gifts, party favors etc.

So much more on this topic as soon as we throw the shower.  I promise details and plenty of gossip.

I Suck At Blogging

It has been way too long since I graced my adoring fans with a list so hold on to your seats...

1. I have recv'd another outstanding and coveted award this week.  My new BFF Sonia over at the pursuit honored me with this whopper: 

   

2. I have been shamefully ignoring my blogging responsibilities as of late.  If it makes any little bit of difference we have been dreadfully busy and distracted. 
3. Modern Grandparents fly in tonight for another visit and we are rushing about madly to make the house suitable for guests.  Talk about shame, this place is in ruins lately.
4. Both Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler are fighting ear infections and NOBODY is happy.
5. Everyone I know and read in the blogsphere seems to have gone into some sort of comment strike.  I believe that i am have had something to do with that seeing as how I have been slacking on my comments as of late... not to mention posting like once a week and boring my readers into an early grave with my choice of topics.  To my everyday favorites... I am still around, still reading your pages all the time, still thrilled to have you all as readers and friends.
6. I am looking for a break up plant.  I want to break up with a friend, I do not like her anymore and I want to break up by means of plant, suggestions?
7. If you have poo, fling it now.
8. I kind of suck at blogging and, on a whim, I have recently cut my hair shorter that I would have liked.  Now I regret it.  Damn.
9. I broke another jar of pasta sauce in Target.  Think they are going to reevaluate their previous eagerness to give me a credit card.
10. This list bites and is a desperate and lame attempt to catch up on blogging because I am hopelessly addicted to praise and recognition. 

High Definition Blogging

Modern Hubby brought home an embarrassingly freakish sized high def plasma TV this weekend.  Having a approx idea of what we paid for this monstrosity, I was of course thinking it might have been something we could have lived comfortably into our golden years without even a thought about missing out on one of the supposed coolest piece of technology since the slow cooker.  You know how I feel about chicken.  And garlic.  I feel that way about garlic too.  Anyway, I honestly did not get the fuss.  I do not get the hype about crocs either but that maybe another post for another time.  There I was filled with doubt and judgment.

Then I turned it on.

In other news we also looked into the possibility of moving my bed into the living room.  Don't think that one will pan out.

I feel a bit inspired today, after a really good weekend scrapbooking, laughing until I cried and my face hurt, spending time with my husband and kids, buying outrageous pieces of electronic equipment and almost ruining a perfectly good pot of home made chicken noodle soup by adding the entire box of noodles instead of the 1/3 of the box my husband foolishly trusted I would remember to do while he was out running errands.  I feel like maybe life is not as hard as they say, and surely any thoughts to the contrary must have been a temporary loss of brain function due to excessive worry, stress and anxiety and an utter lack of chocolate in my life lately as I am furiously dieting to loose all the weight previously gained by eating said chocolate.

Happy Monday all!

No One Cares What You Buy At The Grocery Store, 37 Ideas For Your Blog

So the modern family buys in bulk.  We have one of them big white deep freezers parked in the garage, next to the Honda, and we fill'er  up as often as possible.  Which means that each weekend Modern Hubby comes home with all the normal things a person might grocery shop for, but in "Value" packs of 37.  That is 37 hot dogs, freezer, and done.  We are prepared for a frightening large BBQ.  37 bottles of diet coke, those will be gone by next weekend's trip.  One 37 lb bag of the largest whole wheat spaghetti noodles you have ever laid whole grain eyes on, pantry and done.  One basketball sized can of salted peanuts.  I have no clever explanation for this one except that it is huge and salty.  Pantry.  Two ginormous (now a recognized word by Webster's, I heard this one on the news people, it is for real) cartons of scripture eggs, and as previously stipulated, said religious eggs will probably injure me.  One Clifford the big red dog sized box of waffles.  Too many for even Aunt Jemimah to shake a fork at.  3 bags of bananas so green I thought they were 3 massive bags of cucumbers.  37 Modern Toddler sized drinkable yogurts, cause busy toddlers do not have the kind of time involved to sit down with yogurt and a spoon, places to go and babies to see.  Sometimes Modern Toddler takes her drinkable yogurt on the go and we drink and drive.  Sad little multitasking toddler.  If only her plastic cell phone worked, then she catch up on call backs.  She always lets calls go to voicemail when she is napping.

You see with this kind of shopping you get words like bulk, value, economy and family sized.  It is much like purchasing a new car or running a presidential campaign.  You have to understand the language.  We decided to sit down in the giant store's giant food court and get the freakishly big hot dog and a coke for exactly one dollar and fifty cents.  Modern Hubby is in some sort of reverse sticker shock in this place and cannot get over how much cheaper it all is.  We are now the proud owners of a bottle of Dawn dish soap so big, I plan to reuse it later for the small pony sized Dawn dish soap refill!  Bloody hell this place scares me a little.  But we will save money and should the Perfect Storm ever hit the Midwest, and/or famine, pestilence and other signs of the second coming arrive - we are pretty much covered.

Radio Silence

I like to start these posts as if we were already in the middle of a conversation.Commercials that freak me out lately are the ones where people have sprayed febreeze and are now rubbing up against their couches and car seats to smell the freshness.  Creepy.  Or how bout the comfort inn commercials that implant songs into my psyche physically impossible to remove.  Now with Dentempt, you can repair your own broken teeth at home, while taking internet classes to be a veterinarian's assistant.  How is this accomplished by the way, do you just examine the neighbor's cat?  I am pretty sure studying at home should be limited to actual homework involving books, instructors and accredited universities.  But that is the snob in me.  Why do people with fishing rods sticking out their car windows drive so slowly?

I pick Modern Toddler's nose. There I said it. If I see a little bat in the cave, I go in after it. She is my baby, I made her, and I remind her of this while she is trying desperately to swat my hand away. Who wants a baby with yuckies on their face? Or hanging out their nose. Now, be honest, you have done this too. Lauren is 16 mos. now and so in addition to the natural productions, we also add table food such as oatmeal to the equation. This stuff is really sticky, I mean I have perm. scrap adhesive that could not hold on as tight as this stuff. Although, I doubt the oatmeal is acid free and of archival quality.

Now that we have that out of the way, and we are fast friends for sure I should also probably tell you that odern Pre-schooler seems to have taken this procedure as a thumbs up to regularly clean out her own nose. She is not swearing in the hush of church or kicking the you know what out of the dryer (not that she has seen this done) but every time I look down her finger is halfway to her frontal lobe. I suspect the rest of the world does not think this is cute or endearing. Because even other parents have given me the "she learned that somewhere" look.

As you can plainly see by now, regular conversations with a 3 year old had begun to suck the intelligence right out of me. I was just about to sit back down to catch up on fav blogs, and one of the baby's (now disturbingly scary) toys starts singing, at full volume, downstairs in our silent playroom. I have not had a good scare in a while, this about made me wet myself. Freaky little singing puppy toy. Batteries will be falling out and getting lost. Also I might be loosing my mind.  There are always to sides to every story.  Except Darfur.  I can't get on board with what the other side if that story might be.

So I am enjoying the 6 and half minutes to myself, in the bathroom, the other day. These are the good times. Kids pushing on the door, my husband asking the nature (pun intended) of my visit, and how long this will take. And thus the little night time ritual I like to call "everyone hurry up because daddy is tired and wants to go to bed." This is a near frantic rush to get ni-night diapers and PJs on the girls, clean up the dinner dishes, lay out clothes for my preschooler, rearrange the pillows, plug in the baby monitor etc. etc. So I am in the bathroom, speed reading a chapter or two of whatever fiction, non-big purple dinosaur, book without any pictures I am currently enjoying in itty bitty doses. I love to read, and one in a similar position might agree that this is no way to have a literary experience. But my friends, multitasking is a mommy's best friend. Heck, I am tapping my foot and growing hair as we speak. But let's be fair, as badly as my husband wants to get to sleep, I want to get the kids tucked in so I can settle in for some me time.  Fat chance.  Hubby is out of town this week and I have had little or no time to do much of anything, much less blog so I apologize for the radio silence this week.

My 100th Post in 2007

I know it is customary to write 100 things about myself on such a day.  As egotistical as I am, and I love lists but I am just about half that motivated interesting so how about we start with 50 or so and see who is still here and awake?

1). I love wearing my PJs all day.
2). I still crank the good music way up loud when I am alone in the car.
3). I fell in love with my house the minute we stepped in the door.
4). I found out about the tiny laundry closet later when it was too late to go back!
5). I love organized clutter.
6). I love getting lost in big arm chairs with good books.
7). I love 80's movies.
8). I love 80's movies soundtracks better.
9).I make killer spinach enchiladas.
10). I love my morning routine... CNN, diaper changes, apple yogurt, email and Sesame Street.
11). The pages of my journal were put in upside down and backwards.
12). I never noticed this until after I had been writing in it for a while.
13). I am totally an OCD candidate, when I get a hold of something new I kinda beat it into the ground until me and everyone I know is tired of seeing it, eating it or hearing about it.
14). I love nuthin' better than a warm, fresh bagel and ice cold lox, heavy on the lox.
15). I love crisp, colorful October days at the pumpkin patch.
16). I would do my wedding day over and over again without changing a thing.
17). I love all Alfred Hitchcock movies.
18). Especially The Birds, cause it was filmed in Bodega Bay, California.
19). I was married on a beautiful small stretch of beach in Bodega Bay, Northern California
20). I was born and raised in Norther California.
21). I have nothing else to say for now about Northern California.
22). Except that it is far superior to southern California.
23). I love my 20 something niece like crazy because she is the one most like me in our family, but she is doing something about it so much sooner.
24). I am very passive aggressive.
25). I clean when I am frustrated.
26). A goal I am working on is to complete all my unfinished scrapbook layouts.
27). A recent achievement of mine was not telling my 3 year old that the happy birthday song is annoying when sung 47 times in a row.
28). I cracked at 48 and unraveled all my previous success.
29). The last song I downloaded on iTunes was Bad Day by Daniel Powter. 
30). The last book I read was Perfect Madness by Judith Warner.  (Other Modern Mommies out there?  Read this amazing book!)
31). Something I think about a lot is self image.
32). The last thing I apologized for was telling my 3 year old that the happy birthday song is annoying when sung 48 times in a row.
33). What I worry over and take care if is my family.
34). What I wish for is my body at 15 yrs old.
35). But not my hair.
36). What I daydream about right now... being a journalist or columnist, getting the job I am currently interviewing for, taking pictures for a living, a totally popular blog?  :)
37). Chores I hate: Folding laundry (always feel better after I do), sweeping the hardwood floors, cleaning out our fridge and pantry.
38). My favorite gift... giving or receiving?
39). Did I miss the point of that last one?
40). This list was harder than I thought and I am on the home stretch.
41). I just threw that one in to take up space.  Oops.
42). I love and am totally addicted to comments.  Sad. (For Corky)
43). I am completely proud to be a hybrid owner.
44).  I love my daughters beyond any sane reason.
45). I love country music.
46). I love teaching the 4 year olds Sunday school at our church.
47). I have sent one hamster, several fish and a cat to the big pet store in the sky (For Sonia)
48). LA Daddy was my first friend in the blogsphere, and did a fantastic post for this week's installment of Tune in Tuesdays!!
49). And Miss Sonia Sunshine kicked off the very first installment!!!
50). I love blogging, the friends I have made, everything I have learned about myself and the general feeling of pride and satisfaction at a post well written!

I Have The Self Discipline Of Warm Yogurt

Cause, seriously.  Even a garden hose stays coiled.  I never stuck with the popular kick boxing DVD workouts.  But I often lift them to dust.  If Modern Hubby and I have a little marital spat (grossly inappropriate understatement), and he asks me for a little space, I cannot help myself.  After maybe 30 minutes, an hour if I am really in control, I pop in to ask if he has had enough space and wants to be friends again.  I scrapbook.  I love it.  I do it a little backwards.  Layout ideas first, then some journaling (more thoughts than actual events in our family history) then maybe a picture, possibly two.  Never more.  I have many beautifully scrap-lifted layouts lacking in the photo category.  Not sure how long it will take to finish them.  I always know the book is better than the movie.  Modern Hubby has the audio book, but I can't wait for what might have been a fantastic read.  No, no.  I cave in and watch the Tom Hanks version.  I can't manage to let nail polish dry, I just have to touch it to see if it's wet.  I have grand plans for healthier eating, better fitness or much less chocolate.  Going to bed earlier, folding the laundry just after pulling it from the dryer.  Maybe the lines are blurring here between procrastination and self discipline, maybe I could write another post some time about taking procrastination to new heights... that would be funny, right?  Obligatory joke here.

I can't even stick with the idea of this post, my mind is humming along nicely thinking about many other things I could tell you.  Wait, that's distraction?  I am so confused.  What were we even talking about?  OK so... I am thinking about what Americans and slang have done to the beautiful English language.  In case this escaped you, I truly love words.  So many exquisite variations, phrasing, rhyme and meter.  You might think me eloquent or at the least articulate in person.  Nope.  I dropped this bomb today:

"You  know how when I was all like, Shut up!? And you're like what does that even mean?  And I was all, seriously.  I am just saying."

This is where the warm yogurt stuff starts.  I have no idea what this is all about, really.  Just that as much as I worship the power of words, I cannot seem to spit them out tonight.  Maybe it's too late, maybe the inspiration has uncharacteristically run dry.  I am sensing I should get out, while the getting is good.  You'll forgive the hasty exit, I just have so much to do before I can go to bed.  Right.  I am going to bed now.

Seriously.  Blogs I am so totally reading right now:

Corky's Log

LA Daddy

...and the pursuit of happiness

Bits and Pieces

I'm just saying.  They're that good.

 

Loving Mac Is Not Cheap, Gymboree and The Sneeze Fallout

I dropped $79 big ones last night. For a state of the art, brand new spankin' new Sprint Palm Treo this would have been a steal. For a deluxe Kitchen Aid Mixer, again a deal not to be believed (and one I would count my lucky stars forever) No, no. It was nothing of the such. In fact my husband's hard earned money went to replace... wait for it... a power cord for my iBook. Just a power cord. It does not make the computer faster, it does not organize spreadsheets, it does not drive my kids to school, gymnastics or Gymboree. It supplies power to my laptop. That's it. My dear friends, I love all things Mac. Possible in an inappropriate way, but love them I do. Even for a fan such as me, that $80 bucks hurt the money spot just a bit. What a beautiful white, perfect cord it is though. Anyone would be lucky to own such a cord. i believe I can say this new cord will surely outlive my current not so new iBook. Then I of course will need a new laptop to go with my flashy new cord. It is a never ending cycle really.

Started Modern Toddler at Gymboree today. We did this with Modern Pre-schooler too. But I forgot all about the Gymboree crowd. All these moms and dads (and one grandma!) on this weekday at 11 am there to watch their first borns toddle after balls, roll down mats and run under the parachute. Video cameras running, parents beaming with pride, some were preggers w/ #2 who will not get to have both parents off work at 11am on a wednesday to watch them toddle after balls, roll down mats and run under the parachute. The poor dear second born of the world. How many digital cameras lie still for their firsts. How many scrapbook albums are packed tight with stories of the first born, while sweet little number 2 is more like a PS. Birth to Kindergarden then skipping to graduation and marriage. Second born gets the short end of the documenting stick. Modern Toddler is no different in her hand me down clothes, and gently used sippy cups. But we are fighting against the tides and have given Modern Toddler her very own Gymboree class. Did I mention how cute she was (as I taped her on my cell) toddling after balls, rolling down mats and running under the parachute?

Still major creeps about the sneeze. I swear I cannot look at my arm the same and I actually thought twice before rolling down the car window today. This may haunt me longer than I thought.

It All Happened So Fast

Most people get up in the morning fairly certain that the day will probably go just about the way they expect. We all hope for normal, but prepare for the unusual. Modern Mommy is no different. I go about my day. Breakfast for Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler, little light housework, a nap, lunch then off to the park, the gas station, the bank, shopping, then home. Right about on par for a good day. But just as you literally coast into the finish line, there is that one pebble, you trip and down you go. I am humming along nicely, me and my minivan full of the people I love, feeling pretty proud of myself. Hoping we make it home before Modern Daddy cause I left some lunch plates out, oops.

The a simple choice, straight ahead instead of a right turn. The windows are down and a perfect 81 degree breeze fills the car as the girls enjoy their pink suckers, when it happens. My arm is resting on the car, the radio is up, and suddenly their right turn crosses in perfect timing with our path thought the green light. We sail past each other simultaneously in rhythm with the road. As we pass, untouched, my partner in this rare convergence of timing and speed, turns - face pointed in my direction. In a moment I glance over just in time to see the familiar twitch and tremor just before the release. The sneeze catches me completely off guard. The air hangs still as my arm is sprayed with cool mist. I am surprised, looking for a sprinkler, windshield wiper fluid or some explanation for the cold sensation. In a second I realize what has happened and I jerk back my arm in revulsion. Too late. The damage is done and we continue on our chosen paths. I hastily reach for my bag and rummage around until my fingers find the antibacterial gel. Lathering my arm as we drive on I am struck by the absolute randomness and unlikelihood of such an event. The little known drive-by sneeze. The odds alone must be astronomical. To have such intimate contact in the most disgusting way was mind blowing. I quickly washed my arm when we returned home and have thought of little else since this afternoon. The dreams will haunt me, and it may be days or weeks before I trust another open car window.

So how was your day?

Modern Family Wedding

Now there comes a time in every second cousin's life time when he or she is suckered in to planning an event that has little or no relevance to said cousin's life. My family is no different. So here I am, planning the nuptiuals for a couple I would not recognize on the street. I know you wonder how I can write such slander about family, family who might read my blog? Only a select few in my family know of this blog, mostly for purposes of shamelessly using their hilarious lives as readership bait. Also a few of them are too busy mixing coolaid, putting cars on blocks and sipping warm beer as the bug zapper hums loudly in the thick summer air.

Let me first clarify, I am not actually planning the entire event, but I am tasked with all things recycled paper. Bridal shower invites, wedding invitations, and of course the matching thank you notes for the guests who can read and have a steady address. So, deep breath now, this all includes the: Save the Date cards, bridal shower invitations, rehearsal dinner invations, directions cards, menu cards, the actual wedding invitation and then blank thank you notes, or printed thank you notes... My God! The sheer volume almost made me wet myself. The forests that were destroyed for this blessed event is starting to make me ill. But I digress...

Allow me to intro the happy couple. What better way than a small sampling of my "choices" for the bridal shower invites. "Recipe for Love" is the attempt at a theme. Beginning with these tasty little bridal shower morcals. "Invitations that really get the guests involved..." could not possibly more lame. I can barely manage the flick of a pen to select chicken or fish and then roll down my car window long enough to toss a response card in the good ol' USPS. Let alone using my bridal shower invite for a recipe card. Now that we have recovered from that culinary trip down the aisle, let's chat about the wedding invitations. In keeping with tackiness, the invites they "asked me to order" bear no similiarity to the bridal shower invites. They are entitled "Retro Romance" The bride slightly resembles Madonna and the groom has an unintentional mullit, so I am convinced this is going to be right out of the Wedding Singer, except I liked that movie. Grab a hold of this propaganda: "Love will definitely be in the air when you send out these floral pocket wrap invitations." Yikes. Here is the first of many pointless points I would like to make to state my case. What is my purpose in this life if the choices are already made and I am simply doing the work of a wedding admin assistant? Anyway, moving on. The Save The Date cards... Now I have to admit I saw two really cool choices from this particular retailer. No names please. Here and Here. Seriously, these two are so cute. And I am a scrapbooker, pretend graphic designer and an all around classy gal. But no, no. This was the lovely Save The Date card my family members chose. Oh baby! Nuthin' says luvin' like an Internet Exclusive! (May I interject a brief commercial break? The same driver's education car has been lapping my street for an hour now, what could they be learning?)

Ok so I will not bore you with the other mindless choices. But I will say this, in all the time I spent on said wedding assignment, I saw some pretty cool stuff. I so wish the options were that nice when I got married. But you know what? I skipped the dress, the limo, the reception hall. I was married on a beautiful little private stretch of sandy beach in a small town in northern California. The sun was shining, the breeze, surf lapping, my sweet hubby and I were barefoot and I could not have asked for a more perfect day. But, people raise your glasses to the many and the brave who choose to go the other route. May your invites be printed correctly, may your fish be fresh, may your lives together begin at first kiss and last through the 387 blank thank you notes you will be writing after your nascar themed honeymoon.

It's Kinda Creeping Me Out

So not a bad start for Tune in Tuesdays. Welcome new readers if you have dropped by a second time. If you just tuned in, a very sweet blog friend of mine was hilarious enough to guest author a post for me yesterday. So follows the fall out! So first creepy thing first. I am not, in fact a stalker. True I am a fan of The Soccer Mom Vote. The actual truth, as was so cleverly left out of Miss Sunshine's pet killing post, is this: She found me. I wrote a perfectly harmless little post on my own blog a while back about being a bench warmer for The Soccer Mom Vote. I had visions of grandeur that I might one day be able to contribute a post or two. To wear a jersey of my own. This thought was quickly banished as I browsed through the profiles of each jersey wearin' Mom on the vote, and I quote myself "Seriously, this list reads like the who's who of the educational and political women's movement. I think I will go bake something." After a ego search on Google, Sonia found my blog using "Soccer Mom Vote" keywords. She left me a comment, suggesting we go for that "latte" anytime. Long story. True story. I did drop by her personal blog, I did enjoy myself, and I did leave a comment. There may have been some flattering adjectives sent her way, along with very complimentary grattitude. But she is not the only one who is good with words. Some time later I asked her to guest author a post for me. The rest is history.

Please visit Sonia at her blog and if you have not already read for yourself what the fuss is all about over at The Soccer Mom Vote, please run on over and have a look see.

So I am reading Sonia's post and my email sends me a little ping, new mail. I check it, and it is an advertisement for Pet Meds. Creepy. Later I am hanging out over at Mom-101 and find myself reading a hilarious and personally meaningful post about breast-feeding, when, ding... more email. This time it was from a Yahoo group of which I am a member. When my first child was born I joined a kind of support group, all new moms, all... you guessed it, breast-feeding. So when the email arrived with breast-feeding support group in the title I was a little creeped out by the repeat coincidence and all. Did I mention I am watching a popular late 90's movie about two sisters who were witches? And Sonia's Pet Cemetery title? Bringing back beloved pets and ex-boyfriends from the dead is hardly my idea of a good blog post, but here we are.

And yes, Sonia, the word Cemetery was misspelled all day long. Oops.

Blogging... Survey Style.

It's a well known fact that surveys are boring. No one likes them, or finds them helpful. If you can imagine a worse idea for a blog post, please by all means comment to your hearts content. In the mean time I have a few brief questions for you and then we can move on the the part where I loose all 7 of my readers and am politely asked to remove myself from TypePad, any and all blog listing directories, The Association of Parents of the Girl Scouts of America, The Rotary Club and possibly my psychiatrist's office.

1.) Do you think I am...
a. Boring
b. Rigid
c. Annoying
d. Desperate
e. Craptastic
f. Used to be a little clever and funny, but now just a pathetic has been clinging to what's left of her self respect and dignity.
g. Strangely attractive.

2.) As a result of this tragic and sad idea of a worthy blog post you will now...
a. Resolve to never click near, next to or on my blog page ever again.
b. Send chain emails campaigning to have me publicly pelted with mouse pads, keyboards and wireless modems.
c. Contact your source at the credit bureau, and some days later, watch from a safe distance as my house and mini-van are mysteriously repossessed.
d. Liberate my iBook and delete my self made "Retro" iTunes Playlist that includes artists such as Crowded House, New Order, The Police, Depeche Mode, The Cars and The Clash.
e. Offer my close relatives money in order to obtain the last remaining picture of me in a bathing suit (1980s) and plaster it about... here, there and everywhere.
f. Attempt to thwart my next great idea for a post: blog meets Dr. Seuss.

3.) While reading this post you inadvertently...
a. Developed a nervous tick that jerks your neck back and causes probable permanent damage.
b. Came down with a surprisingly powerful case of narc-epilepsy.
c. Found yourself on Amazon ordering me a new thesaurus.
d. Yanked your power cord out of the wall and swore off random blog clicking.

Please complete your exam, pass your comments to the front of the class and out click on a respectable link. Thank You.

Ok, So I Am A Little Daunted...

I wish I could tell you that I open a new post entry and the words go flying across the page. But lately I have struggled a bit. Like everything else in my life I am beginning to over think this blogging thing. Usually the chaotic mess that is my home and family life makes for some funny one liners and at the very least some good old fashioned self loathing. I am still with you on that one. Plenty to go around, less than pleased with my body after a few years of marriage and two kids, can't sort through the noise in my head - you know the mommy guilt, mommy anxiety, mommy boredom... take your pick. Ali Edwards, a woman I admire and scrapbooking goddess I aspire to be like, proclaims this on her blog banner: "Find Something Beautiful today. Capture Life. Create Art." I was going to say that Modern Toddler and Modern Baby were their adorable but not newsworthy selves today. But that is not true. Modern Toddler's little happy, perfect face was waiting by the window when I came to get her from pre-school. Between laughing and waving furiously, she could barely stand still. That sweet little heart loves me so much and was so excited to see me! Nothing beyond nothing is better than that. Modern baby ate spinach with me today, the little dear. I love anything with spinach, but we shall save that for another post. She toddled down the hall holding daddy's hand to go off to bed tonight. In her purple and white sheep PJs with her saggy diaper duck butt. My heart litterally lept. Sure it was leftover night in the family kitchen, and there's always more laundry to fold. My life bores the heck out of me sometimes, but only when I forget Ali's wise advice! Cathy Zielske, the most inspiring influence as an artist and scrapbooker for me, reminded me today that a simple picture can spark the right tone. I love all the common threads that weave us all together in the blogging world. As is mentioned and linked on Cathy's page is 3191. I have been so inspired by this site. Two women living 3191 miles apart taking pictures, a year of mornings. I want to find the daily beauty in simple things, and create art. Thanks to these inspiring women who make me think and laugh every day.

What Brown Can Do For Me

Tomorrow is not just Friday, not just the end of the world's most awful, miserable, lousy, void of much redeemable value ordinary week. Tomorrow is in fact the day when my latest Stampin' Up order comes right to my front door, I love that. I love stamps. Mostly I look at them, and think about all the great projects I could do if I had the time or skill. It's a lot like those people who hang pictures of kayaking in raging white water, skydivers in mid-flight, or some superior athlete (who is a navy seal in his or her spare time) hanging from some rock face thousands of feet above the ground on the wall right next to their bowling league's 6th place trophy. I am for goals, I am strongly in support of aiming high and seeking inspiration, but I am also for reality. I cannot say for sure if I will ever Stamp like the pro's but I gotta love the pursuit. Tomorrow I choose to ignore all that is wrong, and enjoy something simple, like brand new, totally cool stamps. I promised another shockingly ordinary and slightly boring post, you have to give it up for consistency. There is much more to mediocrity than meets the average eye. Check it out... or wait until tomorrow. Procrastination is highly under-rated too.

I Don't Care if Monday's Blue

Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too.

No matter how black you used to dye your hair, or how many piercings you had have, no matter how goth you think you were, nobody does it better than The Cure. I was about as preppy as it got, but it did not change the attraction to this band. Each time I think of how I am feeling on any particular day, or am looking for a clever post title, this song starts playing in my mind. And there was this guy, you know who you are... that friday kind of flirtation -fizzles out by Sunday and slowly reinvents itself each week? Here's to fond memories old friend. My husband never reads my blog, think lightning will strike twice?

Today was a good, but nothing tragic, ridiculous or something I can parlay into a worthy post, and i have this funny feeling that there is a list in our future.

1. I hate spiders, in a big, big way - why can't I change the channel when Arachnophobia is on?
2. I cleaned the living daylights out of our downstairs bathroom today, can we talk about aim?
3. Me and both girls took a gigantic bubble bath tonight, literally up to our necks. It was a blast.
4. I love that perfect way the little apple glows on my laptop as I type away.
5. There is nothing so totally impressive as to stare down at a perfectly created scrapbook layout - the bazzill card-stock, the American Crafts ribbon, a black and white photo. Pure perfection.
6. I currently have more pill bottles on my night table than any self-respecting AARP member.
7. Every night I am up way past my bedtime blogging my little heart out.
8. I thrive on clichés, puns, the sticky sweet art of the word. I could own Hallmark, I am that good.
9. I love V-8, ice cold with salt.

Better Pharmaceutical Living

I see doctors like most people see movies. Like most people see movies before they have children. Or maybe shortly after they have children cause they feel like they are the only people in the world who need movies that badly, movies and the popcorn available at movies. Ok this metaphor has gone on long enough. I am of course referring to the couch and Kleenex variety of doctors. And the wide selection of disorder correcting, mood stabilizing, happiness inducing little wonders I like to call "mommy's vitamins" It is sort of true. So, today I celebrate the end of breast-feeding. Also I mourn this loss, my weak mind and less than perfect marriage may not survive another pregnancy and first year of no-life baby days, so this may in fact be the very last time I experience this wonderful, profoundly intense and otherwise ridiculously painful act of motherhood. Sad. And a bit liberating! No breast-feeding means the skies can part and rain down a plethora of pharmaceutical choices. This may sound a bit fishy to you, but pregnancy and nursing are pretty hard on the not so select few of us fighting a disorder or two. Also this weekend marked the first annual switching of the kids. My husband has taken over the baby duty, so we can break those last two nursing times, and I can adjust to some new "vitamins". So tonight, i get to take a happy pill and soar off into beautiful, baby monitor free sleep. I can hardly type fast enough I am so excited.

Back to the movies/doctors. I have the MD for the meds, the PHD for the hrs of ranting, crying and general discontent with my current state of mind. I do believe that we have gotten down to the heart of most of my drama and are making some good progress. (progress = a step or two out of hell, still a rather warm climate, but less actual burning flesh) I am hopefully on my way back from the little mental vacation I have been on and should be able to return to society by the next presidential election. The stress, loneliness, boredom and anxiety that is my life as wife and mother are not particularly original... I know, been there, done that. But I seem to have the decision making ability of warm yogurt and somewhere along the way i lost myself. Hard to imagine, because i gained the "freshman antidepressant Paxil CR 25" and am roughly the size of the couches i am paying the big bucks on which to sit and complain about the size of my "problems". This was funny when i was preggers, however now, it is slightly less than.

Pity, party of one? Yep. Here's the deal, my shrink says that I can call and talk to her voicemail when she is on vacation next week. Mostly she was kidding and just meant that if i had any great successes, to be sure to share them so we can talk about the odorless excrement i produce and how it has multiplied since our last meeting. I am not seriously going to call. Seriously. I might write one or two down, that is not completely unleashed right? Oh, did i mention how much praise I need? Just click on comments below.