Modern Mommy:

Countdown

We are now 19 hours from launching Grandma back in to space on a big airplane to fly all the way to Oregon.  It has been a lovely visit, Modern Toddler and Modern Pre-schooler have been spoiled with attention and love and we are not sure if we will be able to console them in their hour of need tomorrow when Modern Grandma goes bye bye and leaves Modern Mommy and Modern Daddy left to pick the pieces of their broken hearts.  Also, Modern Toddler got new Dora The Explorer big girl panties, so we are thinking this may be some sort of consolation, although we are not hopeful.  More on Modern Family's adventures with Grandma and another episode of the Honeymooners when we go back on the air next week.  Happy weekend all!

Why I Never Have Time To Post Anymore

My friend tells me today how busy she has been.  Her family is coming in for a visit tonight and they have been crazily rushing about to prepare.  Up early this morning, she tells her oldest daughter, Modern Pre-schooler's little friend, to hurry up and eat her breakfast so that they can get out the door to finish all their errands.  Fiddling with her cereal and taking up way too much time playing with breakfast, oldest daughter begins to pick at her nose.  Modern Pre-schooler does the same on a regular basis as if searching for her frontal lobe.  Modern Mommy's mommy friend does not pay much attention to this at first and is mostly annoyed that this is all taking so long. Did I mention there is a little sister in the picture just like Modern Toddler?  More on that later.  Modern Friend now catches on that there may be something to this nose thing.  In fact, there is a nasal situation.  Daughter has shoved a piece of mini-wheat way up her nose.  Modern Friend is determined NOT to turn this event into a trip to the ER.  All attempts at removal unsuccessful.  Time wasting.   Meanwhile, previously mentioned little sister has made her way to the bathroom.  Finding an entire roll of toilet paper unattended, decides it must belong somewhere else.  She gently places the roll in the bowl and happily begins to splash about.  Back at the ranch, Mommy friend has invented a way to extract mini-wheat.  She finds a drinking straw and creates enough suction to release cereal just within reach of the very official medical grade household forceps.  No ER, relatively little damage to the bathroom and they were off to buy food in bulk.

Nothing happened here today.

Glad someone had an eventful day with material I could steal, this is called mounting an offensive.  Sad? Probably.  But if I cannot write about my own life, the very least someone else can do is provide me with a story.

I'm Just Saying

A very busy week in the modern family household.  The plague seems to have finally lifted and slowly we are all healthy and relatively happy.  Modern Pre-schooler did break out in some mysterious hives, quickly put in their place by some medicine.  Also the long awaited leotard has become reality and Modern Pre-schooler is just beside herself with excitement.  One might have thought Jesus had come again the way this thing had been hyped up by all of us.  This small light pink little thing with a few sparkly rhinestones and a twirly skirt could have in fact come to save us all from sin and death.  Maybe not, but she looks cute enough in it to change the world.  Every time we come home, finish a meal or basically have our backs turned, she sneaks off.  A few quiet moments pass unnoticed then she reappears at the top of the stairs beaming with satisfaction as she twirls in triumph.  You might think we would have picked up on a pattern by now, but the silence is so nice that we are lulled into stupidity just long enough for the little sneak to undress, scatter clothes here and there, pull on the leotard and quietly play until the utter lack of screaming, whining and disturbing of the peace becomes suddenly and uncharacteristically absent, compelling us to yell up the stairs in hopes that she has simply picked up an algebra book and is quietly solving equations.  This is rare and much less likely than the leotard but we are hoping.  What's much worse is that Modern Toddler seems to be learning said sneakiness from her doting big sister and has also achieved the height of silence when she and MP are ravaging some poor defenseless and shamelessly unlocked cupboard full of the forbidden things of child's dreams. 

Most recently, these clan destined partnerships have yielded the tampon and maxi boxes.  Modern Pre-schooler sized up these treasures and deducted that the ultra thin maxi pads must really be very comfortable and self-adhering foot band aids.  They are roughly the size and shape of her little foot and make a funny sound on the hardwood floors.  Modern Pre-schooler on the other hand is fascinated with tampons.  She has yet to find use for the cotton, but rather attempts to whistle through the plastic.  This disturbs Modern Hubby to no end and I know he is secretly hoping to ship them off to some sort of boarding school for girls who refuse to stop growing up.  I call it the peter pan syndrome, and sadly it affects thousands of daddies every year.  The national center for Peter Pan research or NCPPR, sites many causes for this disorder.  A cure is not yet known

Modern Family Adventures

Sorry for the delay in posting today.  Our bloody internet was out all day!  So... Off Modern Toddler and I go to Gymboree today.  This was not our regularly scheduled class, just a make-up from all the sick days we have racked up.  I thought a Wednesday class would be a good break in the middle of the week, and for that reason alone we selected our time slot.  Seriously...  Never going back to that Wednesday class!  I have been elevated to "the Gymboree class"  I had no idea what I was missing.  First, and let me just get this out of the way, no one is pregnant.  Except the instructor.  This is preferable to being the only non-fertile mom in the bunch.  Not exactly accurate, but you know what I mean.  Let me also say this: The mommies (and daddies for that matter) were so standoffish in the Wednesday class.  Nobody was smiling (at least not at me and Modern Toddler) and no one said hello, here is my adorable child, your's is cute too, I am nice and friendly, glad to meet you and so on.  It was like these people were chunks of ice floating around the room, too caught up in their own kids and their expanding mid-sections to be even the slightest bit interested in the other parents and children.  And hello?  Aren't we there to provide needed socialization?  Please tell me all of you have not convinced yourselves this is about you?  I, on the other hand, am ridiculously friendly (it's true) and i believe that the mommy socialization is just as important.  What kid needs their mom to be wound so tight she cannot form coherant sentances or crack her face with a smile?  We all need each other people, it does actually take a village.  So meet my new neighbors.  Mommy #1 was there with adorable son and daddy.  Came right up to us, said hello, asked Modern Toddler's name and age and visited with us a bit.  Even shared toys.  This is quality human interaction folks.  Mommy #2, also with very cute son: intros all around and we chatted a bit about nothing in particular.  Mommy #3 was sadly also there making up a class they missed on Wednesday!!  She was pregnant and aloof.  Skip her.  Mommy #4, completely charming.  As was her beautiful daughter.  They all said hello, they all seemed to be good people.  I am guessing they were a batch of first-borners, but this does not matter one bit.  They were so down to earth and kind.  We are so done with the Wednesday class.  I had actually gotten a bit discouraged after the last two classes.  Modern Toddler is like a little human barometer and she can smell fear, loneliness or frustration.  Her little moods are directly tied into mine, and I knew she was holding back those smiles because Mommy was uncomfortable.  She was her perfect little self today and I am sold.  PS the instructor from Modern Pre-schooler's very first Gymboree class recognized us and knew us by name, all of us.  She is this sweet mom with kids about  the same age who just picked up conversation with me like it had not been two years since were there.  Modern Toddler was laughing and singing all the way home.  We rolled around on the floor  in our playroom, built Lego towers, had some lunch and went off to a perfect nap.  I believe this child can actually sense Modern Mommy's  love affair with Fridays and has settled right in to her mommy's groove.

I hope you all have such perfect days with your kids.  The ones where you can't stop smiling, loving or hugging each other.  A great gymboree class, playdate or upcoming weekend is not needed for these kind of days either.  Just the sweet moments with the Modern Family is all it takes.  Happy weekend everyone!

A Little Behind Schedule

I am usually a little more punctual than this, after all posting around noon is not exactly first thing in the morning.  Do you remember a little post about the viral explosion in the Modern Family?  Well, Modern Pre-Schooler had her own ideas about the whole mess and decided to slightly mutate the bug and make it her own.  Middle of the night she sat up in bed, and vomited her little tummy out.  After waiting for her head to stop  spinning around, we commenced the clean up.  Sheets, pillows, mattress and of course Modern Pre-Schooler herself.  Bout midnight we were in the shower, running the washing machine and arming ourselves for the night ahead.  You parents out there can surely relate to this routine.  We agreed divide and conquer was the way to go and Modern Hubby headed off to settle down Modern Toddler (awaken due to her sister's stunning digestive pyrotechnics) and I took up the task of the bucket watch with Modern Pre-Schooler.  We tucked her into bed with me after first securing the one remaining untouched mattress in the house with the water proof pads from the crib days.  With a Disney movie playing and a small trash can close at hand for any further fireworks we settled in for what was left of the night.  We only made it a couple of hours before the second showing started.  Another shower, a trip to the doctor's office this morning, and several small sips of water since, we are now at almost 5 hours and counting.  Keep your fingers crossed.

On a lighter and less nauseating note, I have decided to embark on another photo journal of some of our upcoming events, and some of the everyday fun that lies hidden in the details.  I am officially hunting for a new digital camera, and while the camera of my dreams is still financially out of reach, I can certainly settle on something comfortably in between our current old and slightly out of focus model and the dream camera, Cannon's beautiful digital Rebel.  I imagine myself taking amazing shots with all my SLR lenses and papering the blogsphere with my skill and sharp eye.  I am getting all misty just thinking about it.

Hello to Kentucky, loved the nursery shots and bio's.  Looking forward to Jr's appearance.  You interested in a spot on "Tune in Tuesdays"??  It maybe more like "Tune in Any Day" if we can't manage to have one healthy day in the Modern Household.  Hello sweet Iowa sunshine, been meaning to talk to you about my irrational fictional character rage.  Maybe next post. Hello Pennsylvania Michigan and Kansas, so glad, as always, to have you along for the ride.  Drop me a note y'all and give some ideas for this little photo essay I am beginning.   

Modern Family Illness or Viral House Party The Sequel

Today's Post Is Not Here...

...it's there. In case you are just tuning in, when I asked Sonia over at ...and the pursuit of happiness and The Soccer Mom Vote to guest author a blog post for me, (and Tune in Tuesdays was born!) I had purely selfish motives. She is clever and funny and I want her readers to give
my blog a chance. I am, in fact, a little bit hung up on comments. That is to say that I physically need comments to help define my self worth as a writer. In much the same way someone is a little bit pregnant or a little bit dead, I am a little bit obsessed. I had no idea at the time that this would work out as a blog post swap. As always, I am equal to the task, and am honored to be offered a coveted spot on the vacation substitute author list.

Please head on over to Sonia's Blog and check me out man! I shall return tomorrow, refreshed and ready to bore my rock solid readership here at Modern Mommy with more of the same long, humorless posts you know, love and come back for every time. Run, run, hurry, hurry to my temporary resting spot for the day. And please, please fill our comment boxes with love, both here and there. If you have not already become an addicted fan of The Soccer Mom Vote, where Sonia is a contributer, please link on over and have youself a nice long read. As always, remember to pass on that comment love!

Friday I'm In Love Goes On The Road

After tens of readers made Tune in Tuesdays a raging case of success, it is my distinct honor to return the favor and take this show on the road. Tomorrow I will be packing up, kenneling the fish (God knows what happens to pets over there) and hanging my posting hat over at "...and the pursuit of happiness" by the blogtastic Miss Sonia Sunshine. You may have also heard her vocal stylings at The Soccer Mom Vote, where she is one of their self titled, "resident political bisexuals, a.k.a LIBERTARIANS". I understand pets are not allowed over there any more, good thing. I'll tell you what, animals seem to have a rather short shelf life over at "...the pursuit". I know, I know, still with the bit about the pets? It is an addiction, I can't seem to get over it. Talk about kicking a dead horse. That one was flagrant, and I am already in fowl trouble. Again with me and the poultry? I guess it's time to call off the Humane Society, no animals were harmed in the posting of this blog.

Please bring all the readers you have ever met and join me over at Sonia's blog for the greatest time ever had while blogging. Our subject matter? Bloggers and the People Who Love Them. It's sensational blog journalism at it's best. Maybe I could use the word blog one more time. So, head on over to Miss Sonia's page and have a look see. Also, be sure to fill up the comments here and there. I think I got a little link happy. Oops, here comes some more... While you are at it, pop in at The Soccer Mom Vote and introduce yourself with some nice comments. Just wait until you see the link ridden post tomorrow!

A Scrapbooking We Will Go...

Ahhh spring summer is in the air and the whole world is unfolding their folding chairs, firing up the gas BBQ (does anyone still use briquettes?) and dousing themselves with sun-block and bug repellent. Happy Memorial Day Weekend all! May (I am punning now, you may want to avert your eyes) your weekend be long and prosperous. May the road always rise up to meet you, may your Diet Coke be ice cold and your burgers be medium rare.

As for me and mine, I cannot think of a better way to Memorialize anything than to scrapbook about it. So a scrappin' I shall go tonight. Into the we hours of the night with my best friend, Cathy Zielske and her her two perfect books, from which all my scraplifting is born. Ok Cathy will not actually be scrapping with me tonight. But her books will inspire us well into the night. My real BFF Anne will be at my side. With our Mono perm adhesive, Fisker's paper trimmer, Bazzill cardstock and of course, so much American Crafts ribbon it will feel as if you had stepped into the Pride and Prejudice of scrap layouts.

Merry long weekend to all, and to all a good scrap night.

I Outed Myself

I spilled the salt, broke the mirror and walked under the ladder. Did I mention the black cat? I have screwed with the Universe and now the Universe is quietly, and in very subtle ways ruining my budding career as a six figure power wannabe power blogger. I capitalized the word Universe (there I did it again) 3 times. Think the Universe (4!) knows how humble and repentant I am? So, the six figures I am quoting are obviously my readership divided by the the mind numbing volume of hits to my page per day, including but not limited to the 0 second, 0 minute "oops your page is not exactly what I meant when I asked Google for "Scrapbooking, Humor, Van Morrison and the love of Poultry" Although it is creepy how accurate the aforementioned search string actually is... (Shameless attempt at tagging, I may have just undone all my good works)

I blogged about how I cheat at blogging and now I am paying the price. I set about my normal routine, post category and title just before midnight and publish to save the date. But I was distracted, for just a moment. Well, truth be told it was two minutes. See how the cheating leads to lying? So at exactly 12:01am my post was published. Leaving a conspicuous, gaping hole on the calendar where there is no post. Where there never will be a post. Maybe I should start post-dating my posts. Then no matter when I write them, they publish after midnight. Then my enormous readership will log on in the morning to find a present day post, waiting for them! Not that the kind of people who read this blog get up that early, I certainly don't. I guess this less deceitful than my current methods, that, while they are not exactly strait forward, they are far from inappropriate. I am not sure about the keyword or tag searches this post will generate. But, Internet, if I can teach you anything, it is this: Do not tempt the Gods. Skip permission and forgiveness and move directly to avoiding the hell out of the sin in the first place. Hmmm... another unfortunate choice of words. Smile and wave boys. Smile and wave.

12 Minutes Past the 1990's

Ok so this had been an interesting week in the modern household.  And while we suffered and shamelessly wept on the bathroom floors at the mercy of the stomach virus that rocked the foundation of our otherwise mediocre health, another tragic and much more devastating loss came upon our house. 

If you are a faithful reader (and are not related to me: you can put your hand down mom) you know well the most dear loves of my life.  This is in no particular order, and any resemblance to actually priorities is purely coincidental... also no animals were harmed in the making of this list.  Modern Family, listening to Van Morrison while blogging, blogging while listening to Van Morrison and eating chicken, eating chicken while watching fav shows DVR'd to avoid pesky commercials,  scrapbooking while listening to Van Morrison...   

Ok ok point made.  The one perfect piece of electronic and artistic mastery in this mix has been the 4th or 5th greatest love of my life, my IBook.  I am so in love with my laptop.  I discovered blogging on my mac, discovered the world on my mac... discovered more chicken recipes on my mac.  Sorry, poultry obsession - another post altogether.  This week something very technical, and beyond my scope of understanding went haywire on my beloved Mac and we are forever parted.  I was heartbroken and shed actual tears (3) for said machine.  I dreamed that one of my tears would roll down my face landing on the laptop instantly restoring it to perfect function and speed.  It was not so.  It is a slightly older laptop (like 156 in technology years) and was a hand-me-down from my parents.  No efforts to console have even touched the depth of my grief.  Until my husband made a discovery that pierced through my dark night.  (i am way overboard with the imagery here but I can't seem to stop)  In fact the very "techie thingy" that has gone wrong has been recalled and all laptops with this destructive malfunction can be fixed for free!  Oh how my heart soared!  I know our days are few, for my love and I.  Soon time and money will separate us.  But for now, I need only wait 7 - 10 business days and we can live out our last months together in obsolete bliss.

Enter the 1990's.  Since I have been happily blogging away on my laptop from the comfort of my pillow top bed, parked in front of my TV w/ DVR box, and my husband similarly on his company issue PC laptop, we have had little or no use for the dust collecting office computer and it's accompanying dust gathering office furniture.  Well, despite unwavering devotion to all things Mac, I could not simply abandon email and blogging.  So I have been forced through a crack in time and space into our office.  When you first walk in, you are struck by the sheer 1990's of the equipment.  Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve is playing, and it's movie counterpart Cruel Intentions is in theaters.  The computer which used to be "all that" and "the bomb" is now embarrassing.  As in "hella" embarrassing.  As in "oh snap" my computer is so old.  , my hair has been in a pony tail with a scrunchy since the 90's, so this fits in just fine.  But there is something about sitting in here, on the set of star trek, each night to blog after everyone goes to bed that makes me feel like those nights I was "online" in the first chat rooms I discovered in, of course, the 90's.  Naturally, I was in them at night because I could not tie up our one phone line with no call waiting while on dial up with Prodigy or AOL.  I suppose the whole thing is fitting, but I am still kinda "creeped out" by it all.

12 Minutes Past Yesterday

Do you know that one song? The one that pulls you in with the first 3 notes? The one that literally flows through your body when you hear it? With headphones on, that song can actually stop the entire world from turning and take you to that place, before kids, before diagnosis, before reality. I remember exactly where I was when I first heard my song, how I felt, and I have felt exactly that way every single time I hear it. It made me fall in love with a band I knew and liked but apparently never took the time to notice that they are in fact the most amazing, powerful artists, who unknowingly, have written the title song for the soundtrack of my life. This is the song you play at the highest volume in the car, windows down, no one else around, just imagining you are flying down some coastal highway on the way to absolutely no where, at no particular time. This song IS the journey, not the destination. Other music has pierced my heart and soul, temporarily fitting into what I was feeling, experiencing, living. These songs, also, will tug at my my memory... fill my head with images of people and places that made my world turn when that music played over and over. Sometimes the longing those old songs invite in is not welcome. Until yet another moment brought another song and so on and so forth. But nothing ever takes the place of the song that transforms you from human walking the earth to a conduit put on this planet for just the purpose of this music traveling through you. Just listening to my song now, and writing this post I completely forgot I had planned to post just title and category to "save the date" then add text. But my hands flew across the keyboard as this song filled my head and here we are, 12 minutes past yesterday and I just noticed.

Why do we feel so connected to people who love the music we love? Who religiously follow the television shows we worship. (Why do we fall for the characters and story-lines of those shows?) The people who suffer in the way we do, the people who immerse themselves in this blogsphere and put a part of themselves out into the world every day? Because falling in love with the same thing at the same time is almost like actually being in love. Because fighting the same demons make us righteously connected. Blogging for fun, therapy, money, honesty or something along the way also connects us to each other. I fell in love with my song, as I was discovering what would become my favorite TV show of all time, a favorite actress... a show who's re-runs would play again and again as i held and nursed my first child. Alone at night, scared, depressed and clinging to the familiar. That is why we feel connected to others who are moved by what moves us. Because we fall for the same thing at the same time and we know we are real, we are validated, we are not alone. Even in perceived trivial ways, we are connected to each other.

Music has always pulled me back from the edge, sealed a perfect moment frozen time, accessible any time by simply replaying the soundtrack. Music witnesses the creation of relationships, the destruction of balance and happiness, the newly found peace of mind.

I am glad to be connected to the mommy and daddy bloggers, to laugh and commiserate with you. I am glad to find comfort and understanding in the blog writings of others living with bipolar. I am inspired to play out small versions of big dreams... journalism, photography, and art in this form. Thanks everyone for the ride.

By the way... It's Caravan by Van Morrison. And just about everything else they have ever produced.

Friday I'm In Love

Impromptu crop at local scrapbook store. I so needed it! I can usually pull off one layout I am proud of in three or four hours. Calm down, this is art. I have to flip through my idea books, Cathy Zielske mostly, the there is the Bazzill cardstock selection. American Crafts rub-on alphabets... lots of time to cut out and place each letter. More pondering, more cutting. There is a ton of chit-chat going on during all of this, naturally. I feel like each page is really art and nothing is so satisfying as looking down at something I (Cathy Zielske) created (scrap-lifted). Oh the pride, the glory, the plagiarism.

It's That Feeling...

When you are holding a hot cup of coffee and you know you are about to sneeze. Internet, I am about to wax positive and optimistic, so grab a Zoloft, or a little piece of Zanex cause when in Rome... Let's all medicate, and settle in for a nice little stroll down the banks of the river denial. Today, I happened to do a few things right. After locking my kids in dark closets, doing Tequila shots and shamelessly hitting on the UPS guy, I managed to pull off an actual coup - the elusive nice evening at home with Modern Hubby and the girls. If you knew the Real World me, and the chaos that is our home life right now, you could not even begin to appreciate the significance of such a proclamation. Since everyone is asleep, and with the unlikely exception of the short in my laptop power cord burning down the house tonight, I am hoping it is safe to chat with out fear of tempting fate into yanking back my rockin' success. Good times, good times. I don't want to alarm anyone, I plan on climbing right back up on that wrecking ball tomorrow and finish the job of demolishing all hope of lasting happiness and mental health. Speaking of here is a little visual aid to confirm what you must all be thinking... any nut case with a keyboard can get a blog.

Ok, ok so there is an anti-biotic, prenatal vitamins (left over from breast-feeding days, over a week old) and some Advil. But a picture is worth at least 10 or 11 words. I cannot be compelled to divulge the actual contents of these bottles based on the little known Blatant Irony Act of 1903. There is a shameless, yet endearing quality to the bad joke. I am gonna pop the top of some of those bad boys and catch a little narcotic induced sleep. Happy Easter all, may your chocolate eggs and fluffy bunnies remind you WWJD? If you will excuse me, I need to put the teeth any good christian would have knocked out by now under my pillow and hang the family lightning rod. They say if you are real quiet you can actually hear the blasphemy fairy strike the metal.

News Junkie

I always have some sort of news on... partly to stay in touch, but also to fight the urge to smear sweet potatoes on the wall, never shave under my arms and leave the kids in the same PJs for 3 days. I actually like the company of other adult voices, and the soothing hum reminds me of days at home as a kid. Either the evening world news, PBS or NPR in the background. There is great comfort in repetition, the scrolling news ticker, Law and Order reruns, and I love wasting away while drooling over the food network. Sometimes I like a laugh and I go hang out a while on Comedy Central with my buddy Jon Stewart, or there's always Fox News. As my week draws to a close (total crap because motherhood knows no weekends, all time and space blur into one long, fuzzy stretch of time measured only by a random 10- 20 minutes alone on the bathroom) I am trying to catch up on all the things that buzzed my tower this week and clean like mad so I can enjoy the cloudy, rainy weekend ahead. The following little tidbit caught my eye...

New technology may soon allow airline pilots to see if they are on the wrong runway.

Ok, I have spotted a few facts in this news worthy event (thank you CNN) that I just gotta point out. How the hell did pilots know they were on the wrong runway prior to this breakthrough in modern technology? Don't they have that handy beeping alarm that sounds every time the plane is in reverse? Seriously, I can clap my hands and my keychain whistles back at me. Just short of actually crashing into another gigantic airplane, are you telling me there was not other little gadget telling them that they had taken a wrong turn? The GPS in our honda hybrid politely reminds me to make a legal u-turn if i miss my destination. And that only happened once, and for crying out loud if I want french fries before I arrive at my doctor's office for my blood screening (high cholesterol) then I will have some damn fries. And really, even if this new, ground breaking advance can potentially make such a difference, I bet it is way more expensive than say some rear view mirrors or those little cameras that show you what's in your path of destruction as you back the mini-van out of the garage. Hell, maybe we could just ask the republican party to stand out on the runways wearing reflective clothing and waving those Star Wars flash lights... cause if anyone knows how to crash and burn while spending obscene amounts of money... but I digress.