I used to rely heavily on rationalizations. That and the gloriously self induced state of denial. I think any good mom flirts with these on occasion as she sorts through the chaos, noise and happiness that make up the first few hours of the day. I also have done my share (and maybe some of yours) when it comes to trafficking in cliches.
I have all my priorities in order. I like this one. Does this one even mean anything if you cannot find moral center with a flashlight and a map? Maybe I should backtrack a bit. I have this crazy idea that there are absolutes in this life. Truth, morality, ethics etc. Certainly we all must believe in some variation of this concept as we go about our lives each day generally refraining from hitting people with our cars or defrauding large numbers of stock holders. I must sadly confess that I have wasted a great part of my life sitting in judgment of others. Assigning levels of acceptable coolness and waiting patiently for the world around me to conform. As I trust you must have seen coming long before I did, I encountered two serious problems as a result of this flawed practice. First, and most obvious, I always found a reason to be disappointed. Makes for lousy contributions to your average relationship. Second and admittedly the worst of the two, is that I have missed so many opportunities to become a person I might like to be. One might even go so far as to say that I might have attracted similarly "together" people thus bringing us full circle with that whole coolness pursuit. I am making myself dizzy.
I think there are a lot of things I have learned in the recent months. Letting go of some of the denial, a few of the impossible expectations and living life with one or two less daily rationalizations has quite literally transformed my brain. I am still unable to communicate with out sarcasm. Currently there is a lot of clean, unfolded laundry on my bed - however this now only affects me and I plan to leave it there as long as I like. I have made regret and remorse more a teacher and much less the marital equivalent of being tied to a slab of concrete and pushed overboard.
Maybe what I am most proud of now is the impressive reduction in my own personal learning curve. Sometimes a person can get so busy that they forget to learn. Thinking maybe we know it all. Before we have even had time to learn something new, we have gone and made the same mistake again. Oops.
You all figured this out right? I am always the last to know.
